OK, I could have made it grammatically correct but then the headline would not have sounded right, would it? “Of what are you afraid?” Hmmm…  I don’t know. I kinda like it because it stands out and that’s what so many in marketing are afraid of… standing out, being different, making a statement. Particularly B2B marketers who sometimes seem afraid of their shadows.

I remain amazed at how many people who make a living related to marketing don’t like the profession, the tactics or anything about it.

Let’s start at Marketing 101. The goal is to stand out in a way that gets people to notice you… an honest way, not an immoral way (you can always take off your clothes and get noticed or swear at the top of your lungs or pull a gun, for that matter). The best ways to stand out can include FREE, a compelling story, compelling graphics/design, killer product, and the like. Mostly, it’s a combination of these things but generally centered on the story – the words.

“If people buy difference … what’s yours?” That’s the first question a marketer asks and it’s also when the story comes in.

What’s the opening line of the Bible – the greatest story ever told? “In the beginning was the Word.”

Tells you the power of story… God himself or herself or itself uses parables, psalms, gospels and epistles to tell us the human story. There’s Adam and Eve, the revolt of the angels, the tower of Babel, the list goes on and yet we know them all by heart… because of words not images, not film footage of Lot’s wife or John the Baptist’s head… words.

So, why do so many in marketing fear words and/or believe that telling a story is somehow evil. These people aren’t marketers, they’re ‘fact packagers’, pixel and letter pushers who think real marketing is disseminating data. They’re too naïve or stupid to see that facts ain’t really facts – they’re mostly opinions on interpreted data put out by experts with an agenda. Yet, these fools believe that facts are unspun and thus truer than, dare I say the word, marketing.

Please get out of the business.

Why am I being so cruel?

First, you’re too stupid to see that everything is spun, for god’s sake even God spins, thus we have parables. (I’d like to find the jawbone of an ass and beat you with it!)

Second, proper spin helps to illuminate the message… otherwise why read novels about Paris in the 1920s (The Sun Also Rises, in case you missed it)? Why not just give me a checklist of facts? (I’m making them up):

-one million Americans moved to Paris between 1920 – 1930
-Hemingway drank in 150 Parisian bars
-Rue Kleber is one of the longest streets in the 16th arrondissement

The above isn’t marketing, is it? Yet THEY think so. Again, especially B2B pseudo- marketers who think an advertisement is a picture of a widget, a few bullet points and a clever headline: “Let Columbus Widgets Help You Discover a New World of Efficiency.”

I’m going to puke. I’M GOING TO PUKE (in the voice of the screaming comedian who wrapped his car around a pole near Las Vegas).

And clients, my goodness, who frightened them as children?

You can bust your hump coming up with a clever story about their product, only to have them say, “We can’t say that, can we? Can’t we just tell them that our widget is the one that really works (emphasis on REALLY)?

No, you fool.

Have the creativity to come up with a good story (the tortoise and the hare, for example), write the damned thing (oh, I forgot, people don’t read… you’re right, they don’t read the crap you’re pushing) and then present it to the world, knowing full well that some will love it, some will hate it. Fine.

But have the courage of your convictions and learn to live with the concept that not everyone loves you. You’re trying to capture a share of the market, not the entire market (not just yet) not the entire city or country or continent.

“Oh we can’t do that” was probably the cry of the first company prodded to advertise on TV or radio… or place their product in a movie… or use a billboard… always, always it’s NO,NO,NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Face it you coward: it’s not that, “We can’t do that,” it’s that you’re too chicken to do it… and marketing is no place for the faint of heart.

Those who push facts do so because they don’t have the creativity and vision to tell a story.

It’s as plain as the nose on your face… and as I happen to have a big nose, it should have been like a 2 x 4 shot right between the eyes. But I missed it. Blame it on my age or 25 years in marketing… I have been ‘brainwashed’ by old rules that no longer apply. I thought I was among the few who had exorcised all of my old school sins; instead, I’m a fool who is self-delusional. How could I miss it?

Here’s the rule I wouldn’t let go:

At all touch points, offer a solid, single, consistent product/ corporate identity with a monolithic logo. Whether it’s “The Ultimate Driving Machine,” or “the Real Thing,” or “Siemens, We Can Do That,” the idea is to have an unswerving identity.

If that’s not rule #1, it’s damned close to the top.

Sure, you can tinker with identity, but woe be to those who change it. (Of course, over decades, perhaps, you might want to upgrade, but that’s every 10 or 20 years as an exercise in modernization.) And for B2B companies, where change comes slowly on the best of days, that logo and identity must remain solid, recognizable, as close to the original idea as possible. One logo worldwide, one message worldwide: “check with the main office before you do anything!”

Enter social media (SM), where control is given over to the Net and Google and bloggers and to an online, connected world of B2B consumers who float in and out of chat rooms and Facebook pages and any number of touch points.

B2B hates this lack of control and inconsistency, as do their PR agencies, which is why B2B is reluctant to touch social media: although SM is a boon for B2B if you get over the lack of control… SM allows smaller companies to look big, act big and do big business… and gives all companies better access to remote markets just as it creates closer connections to their customers.

Today, it’s not about a consist identity but what’s being called a ‘Fluid Identity’. Just as you are perceived differently by different groups – your children, co-workers, high school buddies, church members, you name it – your product/company needs to adopt the same fluid identity… and when you do, the fear of using SM will dissipate and maybe you’ll see the absolute endless possibilities for B2B.

Are you being ‘phony’ or disingenuous when you speak one way to your teenager and another to your marketing director? No. In fact, you’d be a damned fool if you didn’t change.

Having a fluid identity allows me, as a marketer, to take advantage of SM and whatever is next down the pike? Instead of one identity that seems stuffy on Facebook and not professional enough on LinkedIn, I can adapt so that my message feels genuine on any platform. I’m liberated, free from consistency, which, if you American Lit majors recall, Emerson dubbed “the hobgoblin of the small mind.”

I blame my myopia on Ogilvy or Reis and Trout or that guy, Claude somebody, who wrote Scientific Advertising back in the 30s. Times change, rules become outdated and marketers lose touch. Abandon the single logo (Facebook did, or haven’t you noticed?) and the constant drone of your single tag line. Be different in different places to different people… not schizophrenic but fluid, just like we all are in real life.

How did I not see this?

PS: Many of your potential customers, those under the age of 30, are still in the process of developing their personal identities. For this group, flux and transition are a natural state… they don’t give a damn about a consistent message or logo or identity. You could argue that young professionals react positively to a product with a fluid identity… they relate to it… embrace it… it seems ‘real’.

A 2010 IBM study of 1500-plus executives asked CEOs about the qualities most needed to be a great leader. #1 is creativity, defined as “leaders who are comfortable with ambiguity and experimentation.” If I can summarize: men and women who are not bogged down by endless analysis… they review the data, use their creativity and instincts, then chart a path without waiting for more information, more analysis, more PowerPoint presentations. Their courage to push ahead and their creativity to try some new, perhaps unproven approaches inspires loyalty and devotion and often results in bigger, more profitable successes.

I agree, but where are these guys/gals? Not in B2B or direct response or most ad agencies. I see copycats and cowards.

When is the last time I saw a B2B marketer challenge his or her agency to do something ‘out of the box’ then actually implement the strategy? I worked in B2B from 1984 to 2002 and now back in 2011. I’ve seen zero.

How about agencies willing to tell the truth to B2B clients rather than saying, “If that’s what you want, we’ll do it”? Hmmm…how about one (a small tech-oriented agency in Wimborne, England, of all places).

Direct response advertisers/marketers willing to break the Gunthy-Renker mold… willing to try something new, without the BUT WAIT or the NOT 1 FOR $30, NOT 2 FOR $30, BUT 3 FOR $30 IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW? Zero.

Copycats and cowards rule marketing. I can think of no other industry so derivative. If Popeil rhymed ‘Set it and forget it,’ and Billy Mays rhymed ‘Put the power back in your shower,’ then we need to rhyme, too. It’s a rule.

If Gunthy-Renker uses three calls to action in 30 minutes, then by God we need three!!!!!

B2B is the same. Copycat marketing that seeks to be 10% better than the competition. Not new, not different, just a little bit better… don’t dare stick your neck out and say ‘we’re the best.’

A wise man once said, “People want what’s new and what they can’t have… and that’s all they want.”

I wrote “Better than Botox” as a headline for a DR ad because no cosmetic cream had dared challenge Allergan. Why not, I figured. It can’t hurt. If I don’t use it, the ad will certainly fail… if I do, it has a chance to succeed. Not rocket science, just Logic 101. The result? Half a billion in sales.

In this day and age, if you’re going to copy, don’t waste your time. If you don’t have the courage to try something new, don’t waste your money. If your product is just the same old, same old, throw in the towel right now before you get embarrassed.

IBM knows what makes a good business leader… creativity #1, integrity #2… traits that also make a good marketer. It’s no secret. Why then are there so few of both?

Think about this for a minute. Is there really a difference between DRTV spots and the way international cosmetics brands are marketed? Same outrageous claims, same 10X - 40X pricing structure.

Cosmetics from iconic brands like L’Oreal or Dior or Olay aren’t really any better than OxyClean, are they? Imagine selling an anti-wrinkle cream that costs $5 in the tube for $135.00. I did that, I’ll admit it; and cosmetics companies do it everyday of the week. But at least they do it with some style, panache, story, exquisite packaging and first rate service that must count for something.

At the risk of being crude, at least they kiss you before they…

I’m conflicted. If Estee Lauder and Clinique can sell miracle face creams for 20X to 40X cost, why can’t I sell a miracle salad spinner via DRTV, or a breakthrough meatloaf pan, for that matter without looking cheap and sleazy and having the FTC breathing down my neck?

The history of DR works against us, I think.

Here’s a test. How many cosmetics have you used or purchased (men and women) that actually met your expectations? I can think of a few right off the bat:

• Original Rachel Perry — great stuff
• The yellow Clinique moisturizer in the glass bottle
• Shaving cream from Wild Oats— Kiss My Face
• Queen Helene mask — from the 1930s, I swear
• St. Ives apricot seed scrub — not as good as the original, but still good
• Idebinol — great face cream, unfortunately no longer sold

The list goes on and on.

Now, how many DR products have you tried or purchased and have found to work as promised?

• Paint roller – terrible, still finding drops on the floor
• Magic Bullet – not too bad, really
• Proactiv (for my teenage children) – no better than a $3 tube of benzoyl peroxide
• Orthotics – waste of time
• Scratch remover for the car – stupid purchase on my part
• Hercules Hooks – sorry, Billy
• Swivel Sweeper – worthless
• Knives from anyone – I have no need to cut a Coke can in half

See a pattern? DR loses credibility because of the products themselves… cheaply made and basically ineffective, then tied to the standard DRTV format that screams rip off. Then add generally poor service… slow shipping, bad return policy, tricky automatic renewals, etc. that destroy any trust between vendor and consumer.

How’s this for a solution… a way out of the DR decline?

• Sell better products
• Make sure what you say in the ad copy matches what’s said online (to the best of your ability)… better products should make this easier… and spend some money on social media to defend your products, for goodness sakes
• Change the tired DRTV format, for example:

1. Give the actual price upfront
2. Forget BUT WAIT and triple your order tricks
3. Give a full guarantee, shipping and all
4. Avoid the tired Guthy Renker model (or should I say “trusted Guthy Renker”?). Look, they’ve made a lot of money at it, good for them, but GR has burned out the format here in the U.S. (which is why their sales are increasingly coming from other countries)
5. Avoid automatic renewal – the #1 reason why most consumers will not buy anything DR

Any takers? But in all seriousness, if we did these things could we make a profit?

So, it’s Sunday morning and I turn to television and a slew of DR long form ads selling anything from weight loss to real estate tricks to skin creams to… what’s this… the Genie Bra. I’m intrigued and so is my wife… she’s the target audience, well endowed, hates bra straps digging into her shoulders, etc. We’re watching.

The usual DR structure… there’s a spokesperson, then the ‘creator’ of the bra comes on set, introduced as a famous designer (of course, you’ve never heard of her), and then the ladies come out in silken robes and high heels to do a small strip tease revealing their ugly bras and their new ‘perky’ look after changing into the Genie.

It’s not a sports bra, noooooooo, it’s a miracle fiber that holds its shape and won’t roll up from the bottom… it lifts, separates and is the most comfortable bra ever, etc. Cheaply shot, the ad is somehow effective, if my wife is the judge, and as I said, she’s the market. The ad does something well: it tells a story women want to believe, are almost programmed to believe (like men and “pickup lines that work like magic”).

Of course, there’s the idiotic offer which screams rip off: one bra is $59… but wait,two bras are $59… but wait, three bras are $59…  but wait, six bras are $59, just pay separate shipping and handling.

15 years ago, pre-Internet, this ad might have generated a lot of sales. But it’s 2011… so what does my wife do? She goes to the Internet, types “Genie Bra” and up comes the dirty truth.

You can read it if you visit: http://www.asseenontvonsale.com/clothing/genie-bra/

Let’s learn a lesson here: you can’t make outrageous claims like it’s 1950 and consumers have no way to verify — consumers can get to the truth in an instant. Here’s what my wife found.

The bra is cheaply made, according to most comments, it does not lift and separate but rather flattens and pushes things together, “like I have one breast,” says a woman. Oh and get this — delivery takes months… yes, months 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks.

The guarantee? Send them back if you’re not thrilled, but shipping and handling are not refunded and you must pay to return. How much can it cost to ship and handle six bras that weigh less than a couple of ounces? How’s $25 sound? And to return? Another $25. As one woman put it, it would cost $51 to return bras that cost $59. You get the picture.

Again, it took two Web seconds to find out all the dirt — yet these guys continue to make ads like it’s 1975 when there was no way to get the instant scoop on products.

“Why keep making these ads?” you ask.

Don’t underestimate their guile.

The business model isn’t “let’s create a great bra and women will flock to us,” instead it’s, “let’s sell a cheap product then make it impossible to return; so, we’ll get $59 when women keep them or $51 when they are returned.” It’s win-win for the company… we don’t care if consumers trash our product, we don’t care about repeat sales, we don’t care about satisfied customers.

Imagine: yet another TV ad that doesn’t live up to the hype, that disappoints, that has consumers caught in a no win situation.

And now you wonder why TV ads don’t work???? Why DR marketers are perceived as bottom feeders and why a good product has a hard time making it, unless the goal is to turn a profit on shipping and consumer disappointment and apathy.

Disgraceful.

PS: I’ll bet the Genie Bra guys (or girls, who knows, really) think they’re ‘entrepreneurs’ following the American dream… just like P.T. Barnum.

Another vent – in honor of all creative copywriters, graphic artists, web designers everywhere.

In our quest for acceptance – face it, we all want people to like our work – and our chase for the almighty dollar, we put up with a lot from clients. That’s the nature of how we work; and clients have a right to be satisfied when they’re footing the bill.

But then there’s Gary.

You know the guy or girl, the type, but let me set a few criteria:

1.     He/she is a smaller account in terms of money spent

2.     Always, always bitches about costs, even if you’re under budget

3.     Thinks he knows how to write or design… probably both…

4.     …Or his wife or child or roommate or last night’s hookup knows more about your job than you do (“My wife was an English major and she thinks that…”)

5.     Can’t make up his mind or her mind, so the job constantly changes… work you do has to be redone again and again and again…

6.     … But should you bill for that extra time (even though you have the approval sheet), they’ll be hell to pay

7.     …And yet he’s angry that it’s taking so long

8.     Calls or emails incessantly… again don’t dare bill him for the hours it takes to explain, for the third time, what you’ve done

9.     Etc., etc., etc.

Got the picture? The individual’s problem is two-fold, maybe three-fold: A. he thinks the world is out to screw him so he’s always on guard; B. he has no concept of creativity, what it takes to turn a blank sheet of paper into something that sells. Instead, like a lot of people, he doesn’t create he criticizes, and then blames you if he hates it and credits himself if it meets his standard (“I had to ride those guys like crazy to get what I want”); C. he/she is a narcissistic control freak who loves to show who’s in charge – it’s all about him and you’re a bit actor in his life’s drama.

In my advancing years, I’ve learned to tell Gary to, as Blackadder says, “sod off and die.” Unless you need Gary to pay your rent, please, please run away. Don’t suffer fools. In the end, he’s costing you creativity, time, sanity and money. Use the hours you’d spend trying to placate the infant Gary and look for more work… or do an even better job for a client who appreciates the effort.

Creativity is rare and it’s sensitive – easily lost, in my opinion. And there’s only so much to go around before you’re exhausted.

Give in to Gary, let him/her jade your behavior with other customers, and he’s taken everything. You can’t mistreat other clients because Gary has you ready to put your fist through the new Mac monitor. You can’t let Gary rub away your brightness… or take away your muchness.

Tell Gary in a short, sweet, curt manner: “You’re not worth the effort; I will never work for you again.”

And then as Joe Walsh would say, “Walk Away.” In my case, I usually add an expletive or two, and that’s not right. I’m trying to break a decades-long habit… son of a…

Good marketing and good products should be rewarded in the marketplace, and usually are.

Consider a clever, very original product like Profiderall… a ‘smart pill’ that offers clearer, more focused thinking and the energy needed to effectively work or study. Brain science. College students know it as an ”Adderall Alternative,” a way to study better, focus more without turning to prescription drugs.

Profiderall is the product of research, insight into the needs of a specific demographic, a scientific formulation and honest marketing.

But we’re talking nutraceuticals here – so here come the me-too knock-offs making bombastic claims that ultimately contaminate the market and cause even more skepticism among already suspicious consumers. How’s that for making a living? Take someone’s original idea, weaken it and exaggerate the claims until consumers get confused with all of the cheap imitations. So the knock-off artist makes a few dollars, wrecks the market, starts a new company and moves on.

Primary example? Something called Adderlin (wow – it sounds just like Adderall)… complete with the usual and ridiculous direct response claims and a me-too look and feel. Ridiculous claims, you ask? How’s this: the product not only helps you think better, it also claims to help you lose weight! What? Get smart and lose weight in one amazing superpill? Who knew the two were connected? What’s next? SuperDuperAddertrex-Plus… boost brainpower, get more energy, have more sex appeal, sleep better and have smoother skin… overnight!

Knockoffs ruin markets and cheat consumers. I’m all for a better product, for real competition, but that’s not what usually happens with nutraceuticals (and cosmeceuticals, for that matter). Because these ‘entrepreneurs’ don’t have an idea of their own… they take the original and exaggerate it out of all proportion, figuring, like most old-style direct marketers, that people are stupid and will believe anything.

The result is always the same: markets burn out and consumers lose trust. We’ve seen it in weight loss, wrinkle creams, pain creams, sleeping pills… nutraceuticals and cosmetics of all shapes and forms.

If you need to boost your brain function to study more efficiently or focus better at work, whatever, try Profiderall, the original. It seems to work for some and may work for you.

If you want to lose weight try a diet pill; better yet try eating less. (I’ve got no room to talk here, but I’m working on it.)

But… if you want to get smart and lose weight with a single miracle pill, you’ll probably fall for whatever cheap knock-off comes down the pike.

And please, whatever you do… do not call these knock-off artists entrepreneurs. Look, if you’re only idea is to take the hard work of other people and ride their coat tails, you’re not an entrepreneur, you’re not a marketer, you’re a shyster!

Geeks Are Not Marketers… Don’t Encourage Them

What a racket… what a racket!

They claim to understand Google’s algorithm. There are some ‘secrets’ to search engine success that only they and a few of the cognoscenti understand. These secrets are constantly changing, so pulling off this SEO black magic takes effort, a lot of it… and everything a company does, let me repeat EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO must aim at this one prize: SEO domination.

Who’s telling you this is either some geek with the creativity of a snail (and the same riveting personality) or a charlatan who makes the famous headline “Lose Weight Overnight While You Sleep” look to be spoken by one of the Apostles.

Yet so many companies fall for this crap… and worse, they let these ‘coders’ direct the marketing with these fake SEO rules in mind. Look, if you change your copy to have 13 magic  words in the headline or the menu bar, if you change your web design to suit some formula that’s made up – MADE UP – then you deserve whatever failure the market delivers to your doorstep.

Letting anything other than common sense SEO methods affect your marketing is suicide; letting geeks who claim they understand SEO have any influence on your message, your look, your brand is like letting the referees play for an NBA championship while Kobe and LeBron sell beer in the stands.

Look, I’m not saying SEO isn’t important – more so to some than to others – but to listen to a geek who couldn’t sell you tomorrow’s winner at Santa Anita is lunacy. Is this ‘coder’ a marketer? Has he or she ever sold anything? Can he write a coherent sentence, tell a compelling story or use images and type to build emotion or guide customers to the information they need? No, no, no, no, no ad infinitum.

Search engine algorithms are unknown and unknowable – start there. Even the guys at Google can’t tell you what drives one site to the top and another to the bottom, other than common sense: key words, a good description, tight code, a quick loading site, etc. Get the picture? SEO is what goes on behind the copy, behind the design and after you’ve created your message – it has nothing to do with the message itself, the look, the feel, the tone NOTHING!

And what do you want: a site that comes up first but looks and reads like crap or confuses the consumer? What good is that?

Here’s a test: Google recently changed its algorithm. How many of your web design geeks, the guys you paid thousands to for SEO, told you about the change and/or suggested new code? I’m waiting.

GEEKS ARE NOT MARKETERS – THEY SHOULD HAVE NO INFLUENCE ON YOUR WORK. PERIOD.

Can I vent? A very good and dear friend is thinking about starting a line of cosmetics. He has a lot of experience as a formulator. He asks for my help. I give him the ‘hook’ for the product, the raison d’être… the story that he creates for his sales force, shows on his website, and tells consumers to make his product stand out from the thousands of face creams that seem to hit the market each year. He accepts the idea with lots of thanks. Two weeks later as he’s organizing the company, I’m “just a copywriter,” a phrase that he probably got from his attorney.

OK, let’s be brutally honest. Without the story he has NOTHING… unless you think another me-too product is something.

When it comes to cosmetics, there’s precious little difference between, say, one anti-aging face cream or another. Government regulations limit what can go into the product and what claims can be made. Plus, if one face cream has made it big, most formulators try to develop a slightly different version but with the same actives. (That’s why pentapeptides or their derivatives are in just about every anti-aging cream.) Differences usually include packaging and delivery… you know, spray or cream, airless pump or liquid, etc.

Chances are what differentiates one cream from another is the level of the actives (which can’t vary much because of the claims), the source of the actives (vitamin C from oranges v. grapefruit v. breadfruit v. the mountain grapes from Patagonia) and the ‘dusting’ of ingredients used to flush out the label and obfuscate the actives.

So what makes one cream successful and the other a $5 shot in the clearance bin at Marshall’s?

The story. One cream is a new, miracle breakthrough, the other is “the stretch mark cream turned anti-wrinkle phenomenon’” and “the #1 cream in France, of all places.” One sells ZERO – the other sells half a billion dollars or more.

But to most pseudo-marketers (read as ‘scientists’) it’s the formulation that makes a product successful or it’s the sales guy or it’s how well the product is managed.

OMG… IT’S THE STORY!!!! DUH??????

The formulation is just goop in a tube until you tell/show people what it is and why it’s different! Without the story, your crack sales team has nothing new to offer. Think I’m wrong? Have your crack salesman take a blank tube of cream into Sephora and try to sell it to the buyer.

But don’t listen to me… I’m “just the copywriter.”